TOP TEN REASONS TO "TRY-GOD"
Try-God Redneck Astronomical Dictionary
by Rene' Fretz
[We are only poking a little harmless fun at astrologers and spiritualists here, not condeming them or stoning them to death like they did in the Old Testament, so lighten up folks!!]
10. Try-God BECAUSE GOD'S LOVE IS CONSTANT & UNLIMITED, WHILE HUMAN LOVE IS MUCH LIKE COSMOLOGY-THERES A Big Bang AND A LOT OF HEAT, FOLLOWED BY A GRADUAL DRIFTING APART AND COOLING OFF PERIOD.
9. BECAUSE YOUR ASTROLOGER CAN'T EVEN CORRECTLY "FORECAST" THE FUTURE AS WELL AS YOUR WEATHERMAN.
8. Try-God IF YOU BUY YOUR TOILET PAPER FROM THE "STAR TREK NOVELTY SHOP", BECAUSE YOU IMAGINE YOU ARE ON A MISSION TO REMOVE "KLING-ONS" FROM URANUS WHEN YOU GO TO THE BATHROOM.
7. Try-God IF YOU ARE "SPIRITUALLY CONSTIPATED," THIS IS THE SAME REASON WHY SOME RELIGOUS TRADITIONS & ALL DIAPERS NEED TO BE CHANGED REGULARLY. [Matt. 15:2-14, Mark 7:9 Col. 2:8]
6. BECAUSE SOME DENOMINATIONAL SERVICES HAVE GOTTEN SO BORING THAT YOU LOOK FORWARD TO HANGING OUT AT THE DMV AT THE END OF THE MONTH.
5. BECAUSE YOUR PSYCHIC ADVISOR JUST DIED IN A PLANE CRASH RETURNING FROM A MEETING, CANCELLED DUE TO UNFORSEEN CIRCUMSTANCES.
4. Try-God Because the only "Nirvana" you have found so far is on a Rock music CD.
3. BECAUSE DESPITE P.E.T.A. LABELING JESUS A "VEGETARIAN," THE BIBLE NOT ONLY RECORDS HIM "EATING MEAT," (even in his resurrected body, JOHN 21:5-15, 6:8-14, LUKE 24:41-43) BUT ALSO MIRACULOUSLY SERVING IT UP FOR HIS DISCIPLES. "MEAT-ATARIANS" TAKE HEART!!
2. To all those in the audience who believe in "Telekenesis," raise my hand... Since you failed to do that, you need to Try-God, and discover the Source of a true super-natural lifestyle that God has called you to!
AND THE #1 REASON WHY YOU SHOULD TRY-GOD:
1. BECAUSE GOD WANTS YOU TO PROVE HIM.
And be not conformed to this world, but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is the good and acceptable and perfect will of God.
Bring ye all the tithes into the storehouse, that there may be meat in mine house, and prove me now herewith, saith the Lord of hosts, if I will not open the windows of heaven, and pour you out a blessing, that there shall not be room enough to recieve it.
TASTE AND SEE THAT THE LORD IS GOOD! [Ps. 34:8a]
Top 25 terms from the Redneck Astronomical Dictionary
1. Arcsecond-timekeeping unit in Arkansas
2. Coordinate-when shirt and boots match overalls
3. cosmology-Redneck beauty science of hair, make-up & nails
4. Dark Matter-Substance found on "wiping leaves" in the outhouse
5. ecliptic Plane-Air flight on Redneck vacation to go see an eclipse
6. Geodesic-deisel powered Chevy Geo
7. Greenhouse effect-excess methane in atmosphere after eating too many of "Ma Kettle's baked beans" at the hoedown.
8. Interstellar medium-Hillbilly psychic who talks to aliens
9. Isotropic-Ice storm in the tropics
10. Meridian-white line on the road, or a big city in Mississippi
11. Moon Phases- degrees of intoxication measured by breathalizer after drinking too much Moonshine.
12. Node- to be aware of, the opposite of the #24, uncertainty principle.
13. Paradox-2 hillbilly Doctors who date, marry or start practicing together
14. Photon-still picture
15. Plasma-new fangled TV
16. Pulsar-high dollar watch
17. Quantum Jump-Square Dance that includes the "Quantum spin," usually held in a "Quantum field," or a "jump start" provided by "Quantum Mechanics."
18. Quasar-fancy oven that cooks fast without fire
19. Radioactive Dating-Redneck Dating Service on WNEK Radio-Bugtussle
20. Shooting Star-Winner of this years Turkey Shoot
21. Square Root- Shape of roots on Boxwood tree
22. String Theory-Redneck Needle Point lessons.
23. Sunspot-Skin Condition
24. Uncertainty Principle-Not Sure
25. Warp Drive-Bent tracter axle
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